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Do you have your Kentucky Derby (G1) horse picked? Guess what: we hate him!
If you get on Twitter, Facebook, or any horse racing message board, then you know where this is going. Every handicapper is in the process of telling you why your horse can’t win the Kentucky Derby.
We’ve heard it all: he’s too big, he’s too slow, he can’t get the distance, the pace will kill him, he won’t have enough pace to run at, he’s not battle-tested, he’s been run into the ground, he has a quarter crack, he has a breathing problem, he’s Canadian.
The list goes on and on.
As of this moment, 21 horses are pointing towards the Kentucky Derby. Even though this article is supposed to be a joke and all in good fun, there are several horses on this list that just aren’t very good, which made this year’s list easy to write.
Here is why we hate each and every one of the horses pointed towards the race:
(PLEASE REMEMBER WHILE READING: This is all in good fun. This is meant to be a joke. Take any butthurt feelings for a walk.)
He’s going to bounce to the moon after his Belmont Stakes (G1) and Travers Stakes (G1) effort. You can’t put up a stellar performance three times in a row.
His name is way too lame to win the Kentucky Derby. If you have a promising young horse, come up with something better than this. Please.
This big goof couldn’t even beat Thousand Words last time out. He’s too big and too pretty. You can’t be big and pretty and win this race. Go find a horse show to enter, you big dummy.
He’s becoming the “wise guy” horse, and that’s the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to a Kentucky Derby contender. Also, was COVID even a thing the last time that he actually won a race?
He let Country Grammar beat him earlier this year, and that might be the slowest Chad Brown horse of all time. He got second in the Travers, but Tiz the Law had already gone to Stewart’s Shops for ice cream by the time this horse crossed the wire.
He couldn’t get a mile and 1/4 with four rockets up his butt.
This horse is way too gray to win the Kentucky Derby. You just can’t be this gray and win this race. Plus, his favorite game to play is Hangman.
His original trainer, Linda Rice, basically said that he needed a two-month nap after the Travers because he was so damn tired. His owners’ solution? Send him to someone who’s willing to force his butt into a Derby stall. That’s a bold strategy, Cotton – let’s see if it pays off!
This is the most average horse of all time. He’s so average that we couldn’t even think of anything funny to say about him. He’s so damn boring that it’s unbelievable, and you can’t be boring and win this race.
Is he going to finish the Haskell Stakes (G1) in time to run in this race? Asking for a friend.
His coloring is too weird to win the Kentucky Derby. He’s gray, but like a weird gray, not a normal gray. Plus, he’ll be 127 lengths behind at the 1/4 pole, and he could find traffic trouble in a two-horse race.
His connections were so high on him earlier in the year that they didn’t even nominate him to the Triple Crown! He’s obviously a world-beater based on THAT vote of confidence.
His grind-it-out style puts you to sleep when you watch him. If nobody’s awake to see it happen, did you really win? Or was it all just a bad dream?
We haven’t seen him in what seems like three years, plus he’ll be 50 lengths behind before they even make it around the first turn. There’s not enough cobra venom in the world to help him keep up.
Hey, look! Dale Romans is back with another overmatched and overhyped 3-year-old! This should definitely go well!
Could this be the slowest Kentucky Derby entry of all time? Answer: Yes. He couldn’t win if he was the only horse and this race was on his own island.
The last time that this horse won a race, TVG’s Britney Eurton was like 10 years old. The only way he can win a race is if every other horse does a face-plant out of the gate.
There’s slow, then there’s this horse. The goal for him will be to cross the wire by the time the sun rises Sunday morning. Also, he only has one eye. You can’t win the Derby if you can’t even see the whole finish line.
He couldn’t even give a hit-the-board impression in his last few races.
He’s been running at Woodbine in Canada, where the horses are way too nice to each other. When someone tries to pass him in the Kentucky Derby, he’ll just apologize for being in the way and let them go by.
Can you imagine being so bad that you actually want to run in this race and still can’t? That’s his current situation.
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