Kentucky Derby

Why We HATE Your Derby Pick 2017 Edition

Coady Photography

Do you think you have your Kentucky Derby horse picked? Guess what: we hate him! If you get on Twitter, Facebook, or any horse racing message board, then you know where this is going. Every handicapper is in the process of telling you why your horse can’t win the Kentucky Derby. We’ve heard it all: he’s too big, he’s too slow, he can’t get the distance, the pace will kill him, he won’t have enough pace to run at, he’s not battle tested, he’s been run into the ground. The list goes on and on.

As of now, there are 25 horses with a legitimate shot at making it to the Kentucky Derby. Here is why we “hate” each and every one of them. I’ll warn you… this year was BY FAR the easiest crop to hate on since we started this annual article!

(PLEASE REMEMBER WHILE READING: This is all in good funThis is meant to be a joke.)

Girvin

His name is way too dumb to win. So dumb. Don’t you hate to even say it? It just feels weird. Also, he comes from the Louisiana Derby, which hasn’t produced a Kentucky Derby winner since the days when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

Classic Empire

Are you kidding me with this guy? What in the holy hell is this nut going to do in front of all those people on the first Saturday in May? Hell, he couldn’t hold it together in front of 35 retired Florida snow birds this winter at Gulfstream Park. Let’s just hope he doesn’t hop over the rail and do some damage to the drunks in the Churchill infield!

Gormley

There have been some slow winners of the Santa Anita Derby in the past, but never as slow as this turtle-like 3-year-old. Fun fact: I started a load of laundry when they hit the stretch in the Santa Anita Derby and still caught them crossing the wire when my clothes were done 2 hours later.

Irap

LOL… it’s just too easy. If Irap and I raced each other, Irap would win, but not by as much as you’d think. Remember when we all thought the Blue Grass Stakes was strong? That was fun.

Irish War Cry

This horse is the model of consistency. You can always count on him showing up, right? Or not. His trainer is already making excuses, saying it’s not ideal for him to run back on four weeks’ rest. Four weeks off isn’t enough… that’s like a month. He’s too weak to win the Derby.

Thunder Snow

Really? We’re hyping the damn Dubai horse AGAIN? Please someone tell me when this has ever worked out. Plus, why the hell does everyone think that his UAE Derby win was so impressive? He was slower than a stampede of turtles running through peanut butter in the stretch of that race.

Always Dreaming

So, wait, you’re telling me that a Todd Pletcher-trained horse with ZERO wins outside the state of Florida might be favored in the Kentucky Derby? That’s not even funny, it’s just sad. Also, this horse once lost to Blame Will. Think about that for a second.

Gunnevera

He’ll get too far behind. He’s always doing that shit. Also, he’s too weird-looking when he runs. You can’t be weird-looking and win the Kentucky Derby. Plus, his name is sort of dumb.

Kentucky Derby Wagering Guide

Practical Joke

He has a great shot to win if he can hop into the back of a pickup truck with a 1/4-mile left and ride in it to the finish line. If the truck doesn’t show up in time, he’ll just do what he normally does and hang like crazy after making an early move.

J Boys Echo

Dale Romans.

State of Honor

There’s no honor in setting the pace and fading to 18th in the Kentucky Derby. He’s too fast on the front end to win the Derby.

Tapwrit

He’s trained by Pletcher. Also, let’s face it, he’s just too gray. You can’t be this gray and win the Kentucky Derby. It’s impossible.

Malagacy

Maybe if he grabs a seat in the truck that Practical Joke is going to ride in, he’ll have a shot. If not, he’ll say “Screw this” when turning for home because he’s a sprinter that will be running in his third straight two-turn race. Also… he’s trained by Pletcher.

Hence

Too much of a “Wise Guy” horse. Those horses never win. Which ponders the question: why are they called “Wise Guy” horses? Shouldn’t they be called “Idiotic/Overbet/Twitter Hack Guy” horses?

Fast and Accurate

LLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL! SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! He’s not fast, and it’s debatable if he’s accurate, but he’s definitely not fast, he’s f’ing slow.

McCraken

Everyone likes his name, but I think it’s stupid. Stupid name. Too stupid to win the Kentucky Derby. Also, his trainer is hard to understand sometimes. Too hard to understand to win the Kentucky Derby.

Battle of Midway

Congrats to WinStar Farm on their recent waste of money! Oh, I meant purchase. You’ve got yourself a real contender! He was so impressive finishing second in the best Santa Anita Derby ever!

Patch

He has one eye, folks. ONE EYE! He doesn’t have enough eyes to win the Kentucky Derby!

Battalion Runner

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: lightly-raced horse trained by Todd Pletcher runs 18th in the Kentucky Derby. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 2017 version: Battalion Runner!  *Applause*

Untrapped

If only Steve Asmussen’s Derby contenders looked as good as his hair. Seriously, what has it been, three years now since the guy has gotten a hair cut? It’s just out of control.

Lookin at Lee

If only Lookin At Lee ran as fast as his trainer’s hair grows! Seriously, Steve, are you continuing to let it grow just so us hacks in the racing media can make fun of it? If you don’t win a Beemie Award for that lettuce, I will be outraged to no end.

Sonneteer

What’s the Kentucky Derby without a maiden? These maidens always seem to fair so well! The saddest part is that I like a maiden better than half of the mules that will be entered.

Royal Mo

Royal Mo? More like Royal BLOW.

Local Hero

Local Hero? More like Local ZERO.

Master Plan

Wait, an American horse went to Dubai to prep for the Derby? What? Really? You’re kidding, right? Wait, and that horse was trained by Todd Pletcher? Toddster, you are really pulling out all the stops trying to get that second Kentucky Derby win!

3 Comments

3 Comments

  1. Joe Macaluso

    April 27, 2017 at 12:26 pm

    I love it! Finally some comic relief. Thanks!

  2. Kevin McKay

    April 28, 2017 at 11:30 am

    Good stuff guys!

  3. Loy

    May 3, 2017 at 7:18 pm

    Nice i love the Asmussen hair joke.

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