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It’s that time of year once again! Do you think you have your Kentucky Derby horse picked? Guess what: we hate him! If you get on Twitter, Facebook, or any horse racing message board, then you know where this is going. Every handicapper is in the process of telling you why your horse can’t win the Kentucky Derby. We’ve heard it all: he’s too big, he’s too slow, he can’t get the distance, the pace will kill him, he won’t have enough pace to run at, he’s not battle-tested, he’s been run into the ground, he has a quarter crack, he has a breathing problem. The list goes on and on.
As of now, there are 22 horses with a legitimate shot at making it to the Kentucky Derby. Here is why we “hate” each and every one of them:
(PLEASE REMEMBER WHILE READING: This is all in good fun. This is meant to be a joke.)
His coloring is too weird to win the Kentucky Derby. He’s gray, but like a weird color gray, not a normal looking gray. Plus, his name is too awkward. You have to have a more normal name to win this race.
QUARTER CRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you seen this lunatic run?!?! It might be the ugliest thing we’ve ever watched. You can’t run this ugly and win the Kentucky Derby.
Awesome, another Dubai horse. The last couple that came over here actually had talent, yet still didn’t run a step. This one is from the United States, at least, but also might be the biggest donkey in this entire crop. Seriously, he may be the slowest Kentucky Derby runner since Shagaf.
His face is too strange to win the Kentucky Derby. It’s all jacked up. Plus, he has a laundry list of past injuries and illnesses. PLUS, Mike Smith chose a horse with QUARTER CRACKS over him. Which is funny, because Roadster also had quarter cracks earlier in the year. Geez, Mike, you’d think you could get a healthy horse to ride.
He is starting to become the “wise guy” horse. Always the worst thing that could possibly happen to a Kentucky Derby Contender. Also, Dan “Wise Dan” Waite claimed him in our fantasy league. Not. Good.
A few months ago he was running in a $16k maiden claimer. Now, he’s supposed to win the Kentucky Derby?!? The pace will eat him up this time around. He’ll fold like a lawn chair. He’s nothing more than a rabbit for Game Winner.
The last time he won a race Bob Baffert had brown hair.
This is the most average horse of all time. He’s so average, that I couldn’t even think of anything funny to say about him.
He couldn’t get a mile and 1/4 with two rockets up his ass.
He’s way too dumb to win this race. The Arkansas Derby (G1) proved that he couldn’t handle big crowds. He’ll go nuts on the first Saturday in May. Plus, a City Zip horse can’t get this distance.
He took the Louisiana route to the Kentucky Derby, which hasn’t produced a winner since George Washington was president. Plus, he clearly is hurt, I don’t care how well he’s been working out.
Do you really think a horse with a name like this can win the Kentucky Derby? What does it even mean? It sounds like two guys got drunk and decided to name one of their worst horses something weird, producing Long Range Toddy. You can’t have a stupid name and win this race.
Is there a more boring horse in the field? His grind it out style puts you to sleep, while his name is also boring and just plain dumb. You can’t be boring and win this race.
Oh good, a Todd Pletcher mule that has no chance of winning the race. How does he get these terrible horses to the Derby every single year?
This horse could find trouble in a 2-horse race. He hasn’t had a good trip in months. Now, we are supposed to believe he’ll have no troubles in a 20-horse field. That’s highly unlikely.
Are you kidding me with this horse? He’ll be 100 lengths behind before they even get into the first turn. They’d have to run an 18-second opening 1/4-mile before they would come back far enough to let him make a run at the end.
Magic is certainly what he’ll need to make an impact in this race. He’s so bad he couldn’t even win the UAE Derby (G2), which is really really bad. Like, tremendously bad.
YES! Another Todd Pletcher donkey who completely sucks. It’s questionable that he could out-finish an 80-year-old man in a stretch duel.
Give me a f**cking break.
Really? Do I even have to say anything about this one?
This is actually one horse that Master Fencer might be able to beat. If he gets in, please bet him, because I have a better chance of winning than him.
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