Why We HATE Your Derby Pick 2018 Edition

It’s that time of year once again! Do you think you have your Kentucky Derby horse picked? Guess what: we hate him! If you get on Twitter, Facebook, or any horse racing message board, then you know where this is going. Every handicapper is in the process of telling you why your horse can’t win the Kentucky Derby. We’ve heard it all: he’s too big, he’s too slow, he can’t get the distance, the pace will kill him, he won’t have enough pace to run at, he’s not battle-tested, he’s been run into the ground. The list goes on and on.

As of now, there are 22 horses with a legitimate shot at making it to the Kentucky Derby. Here is why we “hate” each and every one of them:

(PLEASE REMEMBER WHILE READING: This is all in good fun. This is meant to be a joke.)

Magnum Moon

Okay, so he’s a perfect four-for-four, but do any of those wins really count? He has beaten NOBODY. Plus, look at how he finished in the Grade 1 Arkansas Derby. He was swerving and staggering worse than a drunk on Bourbon Street. Obviously, he has too big of a drinking problem to win the Kentucky Derby. Plus, CURSE OF APOLLO!

Good Magic

He’s too pretty to win the Kentucky Derby. You can’t be pretty and win this race. This isn’t a beauty contest.

Audible

Two slow prep race wins where he beat the likes of Free Drop Billy and Hofburg? Wow… I’m so very impressed by this accomplishment. Somehow, he found two Derby preps that were easier than a Monday claiming race at Will Rogers Downs! He’ll be tested come Kentucky Derby time and he’ll fold like a lawn chair.

Noble Indy

Hooray! Another Todd Pletcher trainee shows up to get smoked! He won the Grade 2 Louisiana Derby last time out, which is the equivalent of beating a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. He’ll ruin a few pace horses’ chances by flying on the front end.

Vino Rosso

Are you kidding me with this horse? He’ll be 100 lengths behind before they even get into the first turn. They’d have to run an 18-second opening 1/4-mile before they would come back far enough to let him make a run at the end.

Bolt d’Oro

The last time he finished ahead of another horse, I think that dinosaurs were roaming the Earth. How can that be a good thing?

Enticed

SLOWEST HORSE EVER! If he raced against 15 turtles and a donkey, he’d still get smoked by the donkey, and one of the faster turtles would edge him out. The good news is that if you had him to show in that race, then you would cash a ticket!

Mendelssohn

Are we REALLY going to do this again? We’re hyping the damn Dubai horse AGAIN?! Please, someone tell me when this has ever worked out. Do you guys remember Thunder Snow last year? That seemed to work out well:

Justify

So many checks against this horse, it isn’t even funny. Never raced as a 2-year-old. Never raced outside of Santa Anita. Has only three lifetime starts. Has never faced a big field. He’s way too big. He’s way too chestnut. The list goes on and on… have we mentioned the Curse of Apollo? We have? Good, let’s say it again.

Flameaway

More like FlameOUT. He’ll spit the bit long before they make it into the stretch. The pace will burn him up.

Solomini

He’s too dumb to win the Kentucky Derby. He has the best trainer in the world, yet he can’t even change his leads.

Bravazo

LOL… this one is just too easy. There really is no telling what this idiot will do in front of all those people on Kentucky Derby Day. Remember his Louisiana Derby where he pretty much said, “F**k it, I’m not running today,” and all jockey Gary Sevens could say after the race was “He was mad!” Go ahead and bet him in this race… then you’ll be mad, too.

My Boy Jack

He’ll get way to far behind, and then jockey Kent Desormeaux will get him in all kinds of trouble. After the race, Kent will get into a fight with his brother Keith, the horse’s trainer. They’re always doing that shit.

Promises Fulfilled

Dale Romans.

Free Drop Billy

Dale Romans again!

Lone Sailor

This is actually one horse that Gronkowski might be able to beat. Also, he comes out of the Louisiana Derby, which hasn’t produced a Kentucky Derby winner since Abraham Lincoln was President.

Hofburg

Too much of a “Wise Guy” horse. Those horses never win. Which ponders the question: why are they called “Wise Guy” horses? Shouldn’t they be called “Idiotic/Overbet/Twitter Hack Guy” horses?

Firenze Fire

He couldn’t get a mile and 1/4 with a rocket up his ass.

Combatant

If only Combatant ran as fast as his trainer Steve Amussen’s hair! Seriously, Steve, are you continuing to let it grow just so us hacks in the racing media can make fun of it? If you don’t win a Beemie Award for that lettuce, then I will be outraged to no end. (Note: Asmussen did win a Beemie Award in 2017, but this is the same thing that I wrote about Lookin At Lee Last year because I’m convinced that they’re actually the same horse)

Instilled Regard

Trainer Jerry Hollendorfer blamed the pace of the race for Instilled Regard’s poor performance in the Santa Anita Derby. That’s great… but maybe you could have still finished ahead of Core Beliefs? This horse has gone backwards faster than a Michael Jackson moon walk.

Snapper Sinclair

His name is way too dumb to win the Kentucky Derby. No horse with a dumb name has a shot in this race.

Blended Citizen

The Grade 3 Jeff Ruby Steaks winner… do I need to say more? I still can’t believe someone actually thought, “Here’s a good idea, lets call our biggest race the Jeff Ruby Steaks.” Unbelievable.