Do you have your Kentucky Derby (G1) horse picked? Guess what: we hate him!
If you get on Twitter, Facebook, or any horse racing message board, then you know where this is going. Every handicapper is in the process of telling you why your horse can’t win the Kentucky Derby.
We’ve heard it all: he’s too big, he’s too slow, he can’t get the distance, the pace will kill him, he won’t have enough pace to run at, he’s not battle-tested, he’s been run into the ground, he has a quarter crack, he has a breathing problem, he’s Canadian.
The list goes on and on.
As of this moment, 24 horses are pointing towards the Kentucky Derby. Even though this article is supposed to be a joke and all in good fun, there are several horses on this list who just aren’t very good, which made this year’s list easy to write.
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(PLEASE REMEMBER WHILE READING: This is all in good fun. This is meant to be a joke. Take any butthurt feelings for a walk.)
Here’s why we HATE your Kentucky Derby pick:
Essential Quality
I’m going on a canoe trip this weekend. Does anyone have an extra paddle I can use? Nevermind, I’ll just use the left leg of this overrated, too-gray-to-win-the-Derby betting favorite.
Hidden Stash
Could this be the slowest Kentucky Derby entry of all time? Answer: Yes. He couldn’t win this race with a 6-furlong head start.
Dream Shake
His trainer is terrified to run in the race, so that’s an amazing sign. You can’t blame him, though. You needed a telescope to find him in his last 2 preps.
Hot Rod Charlie
A better name would’ve been Charlie the Chevette – he’s slow and noisy, but not ugly enough that you won’t go home with at the end of the night. Plus you can’t have this dumb of a name and win the Kentucky Derby.
Helium
I’ll be honest, I forgot who this horse was or what race he won. Training up to the Derby after winning a weak-ass prep race always turns out well. There’ll be less than zero air left in his tank at the top of the stretch.
Hozier
Wow, him making the Derby might actually happen? He was only beaten 19 3/4 lengths last time out in one of the worst runnings of the Arkansas Derby in history. Plus “Take Me to Church” is like the third most annoying song in the past 5 years.
Super Stock
Wait…this horse once lost at Lone Star? And Hozier beat this horse 2 races back? HOZIER?! Wow.
Like the King
I’ve seen slugs move faster than him. Not even the faster slugs, I’m talking about the slow, fat ones.
Known Agenda
This big goof puts us to sleep with his lumbering, grind-it-out style. He’s way too boring and too big to win this race. Plus, they basically had to blindfold him before he’d run well. You can’t win this race blindfolded, you’ll never know when it’s time to start.
Soup and Sandwich
So much to say here. If a horse named Soup and Sandwich wins the Derby and that dumb-ass name hangs at Churchill Downs forever, then I may jump off a cliff, so his name is strike one. I mean, is this the Derby or a Panera? Strike two, he’s way too gray to win – gray horses don’t win this. Strike three, he kind of sucks – horses who suck don’t win this.
King Fury
More like “King Average” because that accurately describes his talent level. He’ll be in another zip code up the backside. Zenyatta had more early speed than this guy.
Rock Your World
He’s going to bounce bigger than a Ken Ramsey check for training fees. That Santa Anita Derby (G1) win was a total fluke.
Bourbonic
This horse lost at Parx 2 races back. Seriously, that’s not a punch line. HE. LOST. AT. PARX. Not only that, he lost BY 4 LENGTHS!
Medina Spirit
This horse has more seconds than a stopwatch. Any time he faces a horse with any sort of talent at all, his spirit gets beat down.
Midnight Bourbon
This is the most average horse of all time. He’s so average that even with our favorite booze in his name, we couldn’t think of anything funny to say. He’s so damn boring that he makes Jim Beam sound exciting, and you can’t be that boring and win this.
Keepmeinmind
There’s slow, then there’s this horse. The goal for him will be to cross the wire by the time the sun rises Sunday morning.
Mandaloun
He’s becoming the “wise guy” horse, and that’s the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to a Kentucky Derby contender. Also, he was so bad in the Louisiana Derby (G2) that Starrininmydreams beat him. Let that one sink in…
Caddo River
He couldn’t get 10 furlongs with 10 rockets up his butt.
Highly Motivated
Into Mischief horses can’t win the Derby unless they’ve got that special Baffert sauce. Is there still time to change barns?!
Dynamic One
It would’ve made more sense if they’d named him the Boring One or the Slow One instead. The only thing dynamic about him is how much money he cost ($725k). Hey, how about Overpriced One?
Sainthood
Will he finish the Jeff Ruby Steaks (G3) before this race starts? Tune in to find out!
O Besos
The “O” stands for Overrated. Another “wise guy” horse who has zero chance of winning.
Get Her Number
If you want to get her number, don’t tell her to bet on this horse. She’ll never talk to you again. She’ll “ghost” you faster than Jared ghosts his Tinder girls.
Starrininmydreams
Can you imagine being so bad that you actually want to run in this race, but you can’t because you still don’t qualify? That’s his current situation. Seems like even getting to run is in his dreams.
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