RACING DUDES EXCLUSIVE: Comments from each Horse Following the Derby

Are you tired of hearing all the comments from jockeys, trainers, and twitter experts about Saturday’s big race?  You are in luck if so, as we’ve went WAY undercover to get the comments of all nineteen horses the morning after the race.  Here are their thoughts:

1. California Chrome: “I had a great trip, but it’s not like I needed it.  I’m so much faster than these other horses…it’s really not even close.  As my buddy Trevor Denman likes to say, they’ll have to sprout wings to catch me.  When do I run in the Derby?  That race couldn’t have been it.”

2. Commanding Curve: “My trainer told me I had to finish second because Golden Soul did it last year.  He always said I must do bad the rest of my life just like Golden Soul.  I don’t like that too much.”

3. Danza: “Commanding Curve slammed me right at the start…he better watch his back.  I will have a mouth full of his mane next time I see him!  I apologize to Medal Count…I slammed into him down the stretch thinking he was Commanding Curve.  It’s hard to see with all that dirt in your face.”

4. Wicked Strong: “Predictable race.  Jerks at Churchill put me in the 20 hole…I’m with everyone else, let the boycott begin!  The next time you see me I’ll be at Belmont ruining a Triple Crown.”

5. Samraat: “I really do hate my name.  I’m a great horse and I have the worst name in the world.  The racing gods wouldn’t let me win the race, simple as that.  I started to move up and take the lead, and they said no you can’t win.”

6. Dance With Fate: “Once I figured out I wasn’t on synthetic I got really upset.  Why would they run me on the dirt?  I just don’t get people…”

7. Ride On Curlin: “Did my connections forget to Calvin BOO-rail that I’m not a deep closer.  What the hell was he doing on me?  I broke from 19 and he expects me to get to the rail?”

8. Medal Count: “Once again my blow hard trainer fooled you all!  Don’t you know to never believe a word that comes out of his mouth?  Suckers!”

9. Chitu: “Bob knew I couldn’t run that far yet he put me in the race anyway…typical.  What a white rat he is!”

10. We Miss Artie: “Todd pleaded with Ramsey not to run me, but that old dude never listens to anything.  So I went out there and tried my best, but I can’t perform miracles.  I’m merely a horse.”

11. General A Rod: “At least I beat Wildcat Red’s punk ass!”

12. Intense Holiday: “Johnny V is kind of dumb.  Yeah lets put me up on the pace…brilliant.  Pissed off right now…”

13. Candy Boy: “I thought it was kind of funny when Gary almost fell off.  Maragh is really a little jerk, but I’ve never cared much for Stevens.  He’s pretty mean…and he hates children, old people, and dogs!  Seriously.”

14. Uncle Sigh: “They put me on the lead and hoped I’d go wire to wire…like that ever happens in the Derby!  Yeah and put blinkers on me too, great idea!  I couldn’t see shit out there!”

15. Tapiture: “When my mean trainer told the world I had to speed up to beat Untapable, I said screw you I’m not running for you.  The guy is really mean…someone should make a video about it.”

16. Harry’s Holiday: “All week Mike told me we were at Turfway so I was confident.  Lying little dog…I will surely bite the hell out of him when he’s not looking.”

17. Vinceremos: “I tried to tell Pletcher not to run me against these.  I told him I was way too slow, but nobody ever listens to me.  Probably because they don’t even know my name.”

18. Wildcat Red: “How do you think I feel?  I’ve got a gigantic cut on my damn leg!  Stupid horses…I want to go back to Florida.  Kentucky sucks, expect for it’s basketball teams.”

19. Vicar’s In Trouble: “When me draw rail me tell hottie…oh I mean Rosie…me quit!  Me don’t want to run.  Me going to get killed by dem other guys.  Dem guys is good and me not so good.  Oh well me jockey still good looking.”